I’ve been pondering what it means to “feel safe” for a long time now.

I know that we can feel UNsafe — physically, mentally, emotionally and even spiritually. I have plenty of experience with what unsafe feels like.

Unsafe situations are very real and far too common. And they thoroughly underscore the need to be safe.

But “being safe” and “feeling safe” may actually be two different things.

For several years now, I have found myself pondering whether it is possible to “feel safe.” I’ve asked many, many people what they want, and have heard many people say they want to “feel safe.”

I’m pretty sure that’s because “feeling safe” seems like the opposite of “feeling unsafe.” But I wonder if this is true.

I wonder if this desire to feel safe is a sort of “red herring.” In mystery stories, a red herring is a false clue that leads detectives in the wrong direction. And “chasing safety” seems a bit like that.

Here’s why:

When you feel UNsafe, it’s quite obvious. There are distinctive physiological and psychological reactions — whether feeling unsafe is a reaction to your physical circumstances or to the thoughts you’ve been thinking.

But when the experience of feeling unsafe is no longer present, I get the sense that it is NOT replaced by “feeling safe.” It’s replaced by something completely different.

For example, a person might be feeling curious about something. Or they might be feeling joyful because they’re dancing or playing with a pet or reading to a child.

During those moments, if we were to ask those people how they were feeling, I’m pretty sure they’d say “happy” or “excited” or “loving” or any number of things... But I get the sense that they would NOT say, “I feel safe.”

This is what leads me to believe that there’s something “off” about people’s yearning to “feel safe.” Somehow, this focus on “feeling safe” seems to underscore and give energy to the current feeling of “UNsafe,” rather than helping shift the person into a different space.

Please understand that this conversation is NOT meant to diminish the importance of safety. Safety is vitally important. If you are in a situation right now that is unsafe, please, please make a change.

And please do share your experiences around “feeling safe.” I believe this is a topic that’s worth exploring together.